New Chapter - Divorce, What Lies Between, The Other Side
Hi People. It's taken me about 10 months to feel ready to write about, well, the past 10 months of my life and until now what I've feared that I couldn't possibly have given enough time and thought to share with the whole world. NOW it's time and as always, I hope that if what you read here offends you, please do take the time to hit pause and sit alone with what you feel to look for the lesson. #noego
My story is my story and your story is your story. The idea behind my blog that I've until now abandoned due to deep soul searching, is to share my story in hopes of connecting with whomever is reading it and maybe/hopefully shed a new light, offer some new perspective and some inspiration with any luck.
So here goes. What now feels like a million years ago, was 19-year old me. Latching on to anyone who I had the slightest feeling could point me in the right direction of who I was and give me the tools I needed to figure out how I wanted to navigate through the world. I found that person. I married that person--I've told this story enough now that my summary is on point, BTW. We did everything you say you're going to when you make vows. During my marriage I moved to the strangest place I've ever been, went through hell and back in every aspect of my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental person. Explored the darkest corners of my mind, learned to peel apart my ego, learned to be completely in tune with my body, learned more about myself and other people in six years than most people do in half a life time. I established a life philosophy, learned how to communicate, grew a backbone, stabbed my insecurities repeatedly until I was no longer a slave to them and grew into myself as a woman from a little girl who only knew she wanted to know more. It was a roller coaster of sickness and health and better and worse.
10 months ago I reached a breaking point. I had given every ounce of effort to my relationship, but my personal growth was stunted. I was beginning to feel suffocated by the potential I could FEEL for my future, but simultaneously felt I could not pursue. My marriage was no longer conducive to growth unless I decided to leave it. So I did. Flash forward to 26 year old me. I have been in near constant flow state after my initial first month of separation from my now ex husband--which was as awful as could be expected. Since, I've traveled more, loved more, given more, spent more, earned more, eaten more, experienced more, laughed more and continued to learn MORE than I had in years! My heart is so full and every day is a new adventure. When you let go of fear and open your heart, you open yourself to more love, acceptance and peace than you ever thought possible. This is something I have come to wholeheartedly believe as I put into the universe every day what I want to receive. With time, each opportunity has yet to fail at falling into my lap. I meet beautiful and inspiring people, the right words are spoken, I have all that I need. Everything I've always told myself I could never have...that job, that relationship, that street bike, that vacation, that LIFE. It's so juicy and now it's mine. True story.
What did I learn?
When you're struggling SO HARD, nothing works, and every single obstacle posts itself up straight in front of you, please consider it was not meant to last. YES this applies to relationships. Leading to my next point. You are never trapped no matter what anyone tells you. Marriage is just another relationship that's a little more legally complicated to get out of. Commitment does not come from a piece of paper and a ring. If you're not happy in any situation, try to fix it, if you gave everything, leave. For real. GTFO! No one is expecting you to be a freaking martyr, and if that's what you think, seek therapy. Life is for living and you don't get points for being in pain that you don't need to be in.
I'M. NOT. SORRY! No one wants to get divorced. Otherwise, why get married in the first place? This step has led me to a place of peace and happiness and the decision was best for all involved. Stop apologizing. No one likes that.
You are STRONG AS H. Never sacrifice yourself. Never let anyone else tell you who you are. Do not place limits on yourself and what you can do. You can have whatever you want if you let go of fear and dive head first into the things that terrify you.
Be grateful, not bitter. I am forever grateful to my ex husband. Everything that I learned during my marriage has led me to the place I am now, and made me who I am today.
If you feel connection, DO NOT let it go! Whether it's someone you met on Tinder, a deal you can't pass up, a perfect opportunity, a place that's calling to you, something considered by society to be taboo! Don't talk yourself out of it. Kick that fear to the curb and grab that juicy piece of life! Take a chance on something that may lead you to the most joyful and fulfilling place. Cover your ears and/or take what you need from my absolutes to follow. Karma is real. Synchronicity and auspicious coincidence is real. We are all as connected as can be but it comes down to whether or not you open yourself to that connection. If there are things or people that you deny yourself connecting with, you are holding yourself back! I speak from the other side.
In summary, I recently took a trip back to New Mexico where I lived for nearly five years of my marriage. I was pretty nervous about how I'd feel reconnecting with some wonderful people I left abruptly behind and being in the place where life was very challenging, almost past the point I could stand it. The return visit was beautiful and healing!